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Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.