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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.